Above

"You’re only One that matters.

Your voice is all I need."

When  my heart's out of oxygen

Evening covers the day

Flowers forget to bloom

Oceans dry up

I’ll lift my voice

Dance in the rain

Worship arises from the unknown

Praises resound from Your silence

Sweetness abounds in bitter fruits

Fire ablaze underwater

Air never stops

The Sun was never dark

Stars have not kissed the ground

Trees grow not upside down

You are God.

Background

Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. – James 3:1

Lord, I know that You have called me. I know who You are in my life. You are Lord over all. Lord over my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.

Yesterday when I shared what You have told me, it wasn’t what I prepared. There are portions I wasn’t able to emphasize. There were details I gave so much time discussing. I was so organized having an excellent outline. But things weren’t the same when I faced Your people. I did not look too much on my notes. I just shared my heart out.

Lord, You know how much I loved to preach. You designed me to be who I am now. But now Lord these thoughts of insecurity just come non-stop. Father, get me back to my feet again.

I don’t need to hear the praises of men. My mind keeps on thinking about the gaps and lapses in my teaching. 

Lord, I am talking like a fool now because I am thinking that it was “my” preaching. Father let me always see You,speak words from You, do everything by You and for You.

Let me not evaluate myself too much to the point of taking You out of the scene. I am still gonna follow You. I love You.

Let me learn from what happened but help me forget the feeling of being a failure. This is Your show, I am just the background

I wanna be a monk

I grew up at a time when being a Christian is uncommon- sometimes a good thing but at times not. A lot of  unchurched people were not open to my kind of spirituality. About 15 years ago, when you meet somebody who says he is a Christian, you automatically feel comforted that you are not alone, that you found a relative. These days, many profess to be a Christian, a born-again Christian for that matter. It’s fashionable. It’s easy. Less rules more grace. Less actions more faith.

 During the earlier church, the response to this is monasticism. Because of the lax in standards (caused by massive pagans being converted bringing them their beliefs and manner of worship into Christianity), those who had been raised in a Christian family/setting felt the need to do more, to sacrifice more, to pursue godliness all the more. 

I believe that today, we can also learn from the monks. We don’t need to be surrounded by brick walls but let us put strong boundaries from unholy lifestyles. We are not required to live in patterns or monotony but let us discipline ourselves to seek God in everything.  

This is an impossibility without His grace.  Grace abounds in need. If we are not doing anything, we don’t need much of it. But if we actively pursue the things of God, the more that we need this grace… and the more that we are given. 

Disbelief

The only thing that separates us from the blessings that God has already given is disbelief. Faith is the currency of heaven. It’s hard to believe that everything has already been provided but this is the truth. This is the reason why we are asked to pray with thanksgiving instead of always pleading. We praise God for He has already given all we could ever need. The supply came before the need. 

Although I have already prayed, I am threatened.  I am afraid of the debts we have incurred because of wrong decisions in the past. I am discouraged of the fact that despite of us adjusting our lifestyle, this mountain of debt seems to stay. I am disappointed of myself not being able to take control. I can’t wait to see God take us out from here. This is me. This is what I feel.

But, I now choose to look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. I choose not to embrace the consequences when I can tap to the grace of my Father. I say grace because we don’t deserve to be pardoned because we chose to overspend. Yet, I hold on to my God instead of being solely responsible. I used to believe that I have to pay for every mistake I have done instead of surrendering to God who can actually lift the burden from my shoulders. We repented, we learned our lesson, we ask for grace and believe for it. My confidence is in God. The goodness of God just overwhelms me. He’s like supppppeeeer good. This is the essence of Jesus being our Savior.

If I don’t have faith, I am not a Christian. 

Pick me up

Wasting this life to nothing as I give it to the world
Sad music echoes in this temple empty of you Lord
In Your presence my God I desire to grow old and strong
My soul's satisfaction is only when I'm with You all day long

I cannot stand another second without You
Running after my dreams make me forget You
Only to realize that they are of no value
God, Your love is the only one that is true

As I look to heaven witness the goodness of my Father
All my worries and fear just go away farther
Time is running out and souls are falling out
Lord Jesus, make use of this life, I wanna be a light

One of those crazy days

     And so it is Friday and it's the 13^th day of the first month of this year. Suddenly, I am inspired to write. I feel like suppressing these disturbing ideas (acting like raging hormones) that I can't keep inside this rather tiny skull.

       Identity crisis has its way of stopping my rhythm. I thought I have moved past this problematic adolescence stage. As I plan to write further, I paused and ask myself if I can really define what identity crisis is. Perhaps I am misusing the term. I am pertaining to the constant dilemma of thinking about self. There has always been a longing to look inward and investigate on this personality God gave me. I don't know how much of me was a result of my doing and how much of me is really God given.

     Months before December until the first week of this year, I was everywhere: from family reunions to friends' get together, and to parties that caused me tiring happiness.  Now that I finally got the chance to stop, I stumbled.  I am not actually walking straight on the exact path God wanted me to walk on but I stumbled while I was on the opposite side of the so called narrow road. Talk about double trouble.

     I was thinking whether it is better to run without a purpose or to just lie flat on the right ground but closer to the Lord. Would it be be more acceptable to stay "less" sinless in a place where God didn't call you to stay than struggling but moving closer to the Lord? Has sin really has the capacity to even push us towards the holiness of God? Isn't it sin that caused our separation to the Lord? Can sin really magnetize us to the  grace of the Lord?

    I failed to sustain the “good” performance I had the previous months. Just like any self professed Christian, guilt was only recognized after the act. Perhaps guilt had already been there before and during the temptation but the call for self gratification was way louder. I slept on the issue. I chose not to say sorry because I felt I wasn't really sorry to the Lord. I was telling myself that God would feel worse if I apologize for the thing that I so freely did a minute before.  I heard so many voices. I couldn't identify which one is mine, the Lord's or the enemy's. I knew what's gonna happen after every fall.  I will stay away from whatever is holy. I'll run away from God as I look at my nakedness. I'll run away as far as I could so I will live a life bearing the consequences of my sin but not being guilty about it, as if paying for it my way.

      It consumes me to stay in the presence of the Lord while bearing this guilt. It kills me. The fear of looking on my “disappointed” God makes me crazy.

      Then after sleeping, I rose up and shrugged it off. On my mind, the debate continued. Should I just live again as if nothing happened? Wouldn’t it be like fooling God?  Or should I repent my heart out, feeling sorry all day  for what happened? Would God forgive me faster when I will not let myself be affected of what happened? 

     "You know my heart today Lord. I hate myself for not hating too much what I did. Help me to be genuinely sorry to the point of deciding not to do it again. Help me hate evil the way You hate it. Pardon my case and (I know this would sound like using You but please) be my Savior one more time. I don't know how many times I will pray like this but today please cause me to hate hurting You. I know You died once and for all but let me hate sin this way. I think I have to endure seeing You put to cross again. Now as I write I start feeling bad. It's like you paid for my nonsense temporal happiness by your blood, your precious life. Who am I to do this to You, my Lord? I cannot undo Your wounds but the best form of gratitude may be not to live this life as if You did not die for me. Let me live my remaining days forever thankful for your death  by making the most of time to share in your suffering but not trying to outdo what You already did.

Refocus

After a period of coldness, suddenly, this empty vessel reminds me of my nothingness. I wonder how God feels whenever we try to fill this heart with anything but Him. I bet He feels pity looking on me trying to pursue things that won’t really satisfy. More than being jealous I think He feels hurting to see this painful sadness eating me up. He doesn’t want to push me to love Him, He simply knows that only He can make me happy, He wanted to reach out because that would make me fulfilled. God was never selfish. It’s hard to accept these truths. Even while writing this, my mind tells me how self centered the previous sentences were. But that is how God loves, always toward to the object of His affection. I can’t understand.  He stays there, quiet and waiting, while I run away exposing myself to every sort of shame. Lately, God is speaking to my heart not in words I am so familiar of, but in His silence. It wakes my humanity from long slumber. I miss the Lord. I miss my God.

the children and the dogs

Matthew 15:21-28

New International Version (NIV)

The Faith of a Canaanite Woman

 ²¹ Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. ²² A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”  ²³ Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”
 ²⁴ He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
 ²⁵ The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.
 ²⁶ He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”
 ²⁷ “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”
 ²⁸ Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment. 

These verses were not meaningful to me as they are now. I can hear the desperation on the mother's voice. I can almost hear her crying her heart out while nobody cared. She was utterly neglected, ignored. Her background could have disqualified her from being near the Miracle-worker. Even the people around Jesus just noticed her because they she started to get into their hair. You see, all the disciples could do was to be humans, go by the rules and treat people as to what they deserve. But Jesus is Lord. He went beyond our human tendency to discriminate, He loves mercy.

In the text, Jesus did not say anything at first. Like those days when we were at our lowest and our cries were beyond control, yet no single word form the Lord was heard? After reading it, I can feel the heart of the Lord. He was so into helping the mother but He stretched out her faith at its best. If Jesus just gave away what He was being asked to do, then the mother will get the miracle but not get the whole point of it. When God doesn't say a word that doesn't mean He doesn't have a message. It's beyond words, feel His heartbeat, there you'd find the truth. It beats you. He has your prayers in his heart.

I perceive this event as one of the most powerful evangelism known. Jesus showed what the Law was offering. To make things worse on the sight of many, He even gave an illustration on her position in life. People around may always give us a picture of ourselves lower than we actually are. We may see our feet standing on a wrong ground, miles away from heaven, far from righteousness but hey!. He so longs to save us- both the children and the dogs.