Background

Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. – James 3:1

Lord, I know that You have called me. I know who You are in my life. You are Lord over all. Lord over my thoughts, my feelings, my actions.

Yesterday when I shared what You have told me, it wasn’t what I prepared. There are portions I wasn’t able to emphasize. There were details I gave so much time discussing. I was so organized having an excellent outline. But things weren’t the same when I faced Your people. I did not look too much on my notes. I just shared my heart out.

Lord, You know how much I loved to preach. You designed me to be who I am now. But now Lord these thoughts of insecurity just come non-stop. Father, get me back to my feet again.

I don’t need to hear the praises of men. My mind keeps on thinking about the gaps and lapses in my teaching. 

Lord, I am talking like a fool now because I am thinking that it was “my” preaching. Father let me always see You,speak words from You, do everything by You and for You.

Let me not evaluate myself too much to the point of taking You out of the scene. I am still gonna follow You. I love You.

Let me learn from what happened but help me forget the feeling of being a failure. This is Your show, I am just the background

I wanna be a monk

I grew up at a time when being a Christian is uncommon- sometimes a good thing but at times not. A lot of  unchurched people were not open to my kind of spirituality. About 15 years ago, when you meet somebody who says he is a Christian, you automatically feel comforted that you are not alone, that you found a relative. These days, many profess to be a Christian, a born-again Christian for that matter. It’s fashionable. It’s easy. Less rules more grace. Less actions more faith.

 During the earlier church, the response to this is monasticism. Because of the lax in standards (caused by massive pagans being converted bringing them their beliefs and manner of worship into Christianity), those who had been raised in a Christian family/setting felt the need to do more, to sacrifice more, to pursue godliness all the more. 

I believe that today, we can also learn from the monks. We don’t need to be surrounded by brick walls but let us put strong boundaries from unholy lifestyles. We are not required to live in patterns or monotony but let us discipline ourselves to seek God in everything.  

This is an impossibility without His grace.  Grace abounds in need. If we are not doing anything, we don’t need much of it. But if we actively pursue the things of God, the more that we need this grace… and the more that we are given. 

Amnesia

I  feel like having an amnesia

My heart beats not the way it used to

I’m thinking about breathing

I am walking and counting

The flowers have died

The stars did collide

Chocolates taste ordinary

My feet, stationery

I'm wondering at wander land

Memories become like sand

Blown by the wind out of my hand

I even forgot how to stand

Sweet words are history

Our love sounds sorry

Touches come less

Generosity is at rest

Can the pieces of the good past

Recover the present, make it last?

Can the smiles of yesterday

Push this winter away

Now I understand why love is blind

With closed eyes let your heart decide

Then let your spirit coincide

And your flesh die inside

Disbelief

The only thing that separates us from the blessings that God has already given is disbelief. Faith is the currency of heaven. It’s hard to believe that everything has already been provided but this is the truth. This is the reason why we are asked to pray with thanksgiving instead of always pleading. We praise God for He has already given all we could ever need. The supply came before the need. 

Although I have already prayed, I am threatened.  I am afraid of the debts we have incurred because of wrong decisions in the past. I am discouraged of the fact that despite of us adjusting our lifestyle, this mountain of debt seems to stay. I am disappointed of myself not being able to take control. I can’t wait to see God take us out from here. This is me. This is what I feel.

But, I now choose to look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. I choose not to embrace the consequences when I can tap to the grace of my Father. I say grace because we don’t deserve to be pardoned because we chose to overspend. Yet, I hold on to my God instead of being solely responsible. I used to believe that I have to pay for every mistake I have done instead of surrendering to God who can actually lift the burden from my shoulders. We repented, we learned our lesson, we ask for grace and believe for it. My confidence is in God. The goodness of God just overwhelms me. He’s like supppppeeeer good. This is the essence of Jesus being our Savior.

If I don’t have faith, I am not a Christian. 

Pick me up

Wasting this life to nothing as I give it to the world
Sad music echoes in this temple empty of you Lord
In Your presence my God I desire to grow old and strong
My soul's satisfaction is only when I'm with You all day long

I cannot stand another second without You
Running after my dreams make me forget You
Only to realize that they are of no value
God, Your love is the only one that is true

As I look to heaven witness the goodness of my Father
All my worries and fear just go away farther
Time is running out and souls are falling out
Lord Jesus, make use of this life, I wanna be a light

One of those crazy days

     And so it is Friday and it's the 13^th day of the first month of this year. Suddenly, I am inspired to write. I feel like suppressing these disturbing ideas (acting like raging hormones) that I can't keep inside this rather tiny skull.

       Identity crisis has its way of stopping my rhythm. I thought I have moved past this problematic adolescence stage. As I plan to write further, I paused and ask myself if I can really define what identity crisis is. Perhaps I am misusing the term. I am pertaining to the constant dilemma of thinking about self. There has always been a longing to look inward and investigate on this personality God gave me. I don't know how much of me was a result of my doing and how much of me is really God given.

     Months before December until the first week of this year, I was everywhere: from family reunions to friends' get together, and to parties that caused me tiring happiness.  Now that I finally got the chance to stop, I stumbled.  I am not actually walking straight on the exact path God wanted me to walk on but I stumbled while I was on the opposite side of the so called narrow road. Talk about double trouble.

     I was thinking whether it is better to run without a purpose or to just lie flat on the right ground but closer to the Lord. Would it be be more acceptable to stay "less" sinless in a place where God didn't call you to stay than struggling but moving closer to the Lord? Has sin really has the capacity to even push us towards the holiness of God? Isn't it sin that caused our separation to the Lord? Can sin really magnetize us to the  grace of the Lord?

    I failed to sustain the “good” performance I had the previous months. Just like any self professed Christian, guilt was only recognized after the act. Perhaps guilt had already been there before and during the temptation but the call for self gratification was way louder. I slept on the issue. I chose not to say sorry because I felt I wasn't really sorry to the Lord. I was telling myself that God would feel worse if I apologize for the thing that I so freely did a minute before.  I heard so many voices. I couldn't identify which one is mine, the Lord's or the enemy's. I knew what's gonna happen after every fall.  I will stay away from whatever is holy. I'll run away from God as I look at my nakedness. I'll run away as far as I could so I will live a life bearing the consequences of my sin but not being guilty about it, as if paying for it my way.

      It consumes me to stay in the presence of the Lord while bearing this guilt. It kills me. The fear of looking on my “disappointed” God makes me crazy.

      Then after sleeping, I rose up and shrugged it off. On my mind, the debate continued. Should I just live again as if nothing happened? Wouldn’t it be like fooling God?  Or should I repent my heart out, feeling sorry all day  for what happened? Would God forgive me faster when I will not let myself be affected of what happened? 

     "You know my heart today Lord. I hate myself for not hating too much what I did. Help me to be genuinely sorry to the point of deciding not to do it again. Help me hate evil the way You hate it. Pardon my case and (I know this would sound like using You but please) be my Savior one more time. I don't know how many times I will pray like this but today please cause me to hate hurting You. I know You died once and for all but let me hate sin this way. I think I have to endure seeing You put to cross again. Now as I write I start feeling bad. It's like you paid for my nonsense temporal happiness by your blood, your precious life. Who am I to do this to You, my Lord? I cannot undo Your wounds but the best form of gratitude may be not to live this life as if You did not die for me. Let me live my remaining days forever thankful for your death  by making the most of time to share in your suffering but not trying to outdo what You already did.

So what's up?

Photo source: http://leadwolf.com/about-us/what-we-do/

      Like any other a-little-above-minimum-wage earner, I am feeling the necessity to look for greener pasture or the temptation to let the couch serve me for maybe a month.
     I am at the point of working without a point. I eat what I earn. That's good but ain't good enough. Living for a year on a survival mode is like wasting time and energy. The company is not paying for my lost time, it is simply paying me for doing my job. For this reason, I want to look for a job that will both pay my labor and my time, meaning, one that can make me survive and really earn to save.
     I am always the type of a worker who never shuts my mouth. I hate it. I always blab about how I feel and what I want to be changed. I kept on spreading updates regardless whether my friends want to hear or not. Anyway, I 've been trying to convince myself that I have to resign for the reasons previously stated. I do this convincing thing through declaration, hoping that I would hear my own words and that these words would sink in.
    I am afraid to let go. I am afraid to waste my time during transition. I know, during that period, I would count the losses I have and regret of supposed profits If I stayed.
     I need to find a higher reason to quit, or should I say, I have to have a higher reason before even considering quitting. If God would not want me to do a thing, then I'll be still. However, if I am certain, that my uncertainty is enough to make me stop, then, it's time.
     In my timeline, a lot of resources have already been kept and not yet invested. In my timeline, I need to pursue my career before having a baby. In my timeline, I have to earn more than before, because I am still young and I have to save more for my future.
     God holds the Time. He is The Alpha and The Omega. He thinks about my life more than I think about it. This life is not my problem, what I need to do is seek Him and ask Him, what I've gotta do, for this very moment, He'll take care of my tomorrow.