Pick me up

Wasting this life to nothing as I give it to the world
Sad music echoes in this temple empty of you Lord
In Your presence my God I desire to grow old and strong
My soul's satisfaction is only when I'm with You all day long

I cannot stand another second without You
Running after my dreams make me forget You
Only to realize that they are of no value
God, Your love is the only one that is true

As I look to heaven witness the goodness of my Father
All my worries and fear just go away farther
Time is running out and souls are falling out
Lord Jesus, make use of this life, I wanna be a light

One of those crazy days

     And so it is Friday and it's the 13^th day of the first month of this year. Suddenly, I am inspired to write. I feel like suppressing these disturbing ideas (acting like raging hormones) that I can't keep inside this rather tiny skull.

       Identity crisis has its way of stopping my rhythm. I thought I have moved past this problematic adolescence stage. As I plan to write further, I paused and ask myself if I can really define what identity crisis is. Perhaps I am misusing the term. I am pertaining to the constant dilemma of thinking about self. There has always been a longing to look inward and investigate on this personality God gave me. I don't know how much of me was a result of my doing and how much of me is really God given.

     Months before December until the first week of this year, I was everywhere: from family reunions to friends' get together, and to parties that caused me tiring happiness.  Now that I finally got the chance to stop, I stumbled.  I am not actually walking straight on the exact path God wanted me to walk on but I stumbled while I was on the opposite side of the so called narrow road. Talk about double trouble.

     I was thinking whether it is better to run without a purpose or to just lie flat on the right ground but closer to the Lord. Would it be be more acceptable to stay "less" sinless in a place where God didn't call you to stay than struggling but moving closer to the Lord? Has sin really has the capacity to even push us towards the holiness of God? Isn't it sin that caused our separation to the Lord? Can sin really magnetize us to the  grace of the Lord?

    I failed to sustain the “good” performance I had the previous months. Just like any self professed Christian, guilt was only recognized after the act. Perhaps guilt had already been there before and during the temptation but the call for self gratification was way louder. I slept on the issue. I chose not to say sorry because I felt I wasn't really sorry to the Lord. I was telling myself that God would feel worse if I apologize for the thing that I so freely did a minute before.  I heard so many voices. I couldn't identify which one is mine, the Lord's or the enemy's. I knew what's gonna happen after every fall.  I will stay away from whatever is holy. I'll run away from God as I look at my nakedness. I'll run away as far as I could so I will live a life bearing the consequences of my sin but not being guilty about it, as if paying for it my way.

      It consumes me to stay in the presence of the Lord while bearing this guilt. It kills me. The fear of looking on my “disappointed” God makes me crazy.

      Then after sleeping, I rose up and shrugged it off. On my mind, the debate continued. Should I just live again as if nothing happened? Wouldn’t it be like fooling God?  Or should I repent my heart out, feeling sorry all day  for what happened? Would God forgive me faster when I will not let myself be affected of what happened? 

     "You know my heart today Lord. I hate myself for not hating too much what I did. Help me to be genuinely sorry to the point of deciding not to do it again. Help me hate evil the way You hate it. Pardon my case and (I know this would sound like using You but please) be my Savior one more time. I don't know how many times I will pray like this but today please cause me to hate hurting You. I know You died once and for all but let me hate sin this way. I think I have to endure seeing You put to cross again. Now as I write I start feeling bad. It's like you paid for my nonsense temporal happiness by your blood, your precious life. Who am I to do this to You, my Lord? I cannot undo Your wounds but the best form of gratitude may be not to live this life as if You did not die for me. Let me live my remaining days forever thankful for your death  by making the most of time to share in your suffering but not trying to outdo what You already did.

So what's up?

Photo source: http://leadwolf.com/about-us/what-we-do/

      Like any other a-little-above-minimum-wage earner, I am feeling the necessity to look for greener pasture or the temptation to let the couch serve me for maybe a month.
     I am at the point of working without a point. I eat what I earn. That's good but ain't good enough. Living for a year on a survival mode is like wasting time and energy. The company is not paying for my lost time, it is simply paying me for doing my job. For this reason, I want to look for a job that will both pay my labor and my time, meaning, one that can make me survive and really earn to save.
     I am always the type of a worker who never shuts my mouth. I hate it. I always blab about how I feel and what I want to be changed. I kept on spreading updates regardless whether my friends want to hear or not. Anyway, I 've been trying to convince myself that I have to resign for the reasons previously stated. I do this convincing thing through declaration, hoping that I would hear my own words and that these words would sink in.
    I am afraid to let go. I am afraid to waste my time during transition. I know, during that period, I would count the losses I have and regret of supposed profits If I stayed.
     I need to find a higher reason to quit, or should I say, I have to have a higher reason before even considering quitting. If God would not want me to do a thing, then I'll be still. However, if I am certain, that my uncertainty is enough to make me stop, then, it's time.
     In my timeline, a lot of resources have already been kept and not yet invested. In my timeline, I need to pursue my career before having a baby. In my timeline, I have to earn more than before, because I am still young and I have to save more for my future.
     God holds the Time. He is The Alpha and The Omega. He thinks about my life more than I think about it. This life is not my problem, what I need to do is seek Him and ask Him, what I've gotta do, for this very moment, He'll take care of my tomorrow.

Refocus

After a period of coldness, suddenly, this empty vessel reminds me of my nothingness. I wonder how God feels whenever we try to fill this heart with anything but Him. I bet He feels pity looking on me trying to pursue things that won’t really satisfy. More than being jealous I think He feels hurting to see this painful sadness eating me up. He doesn’t want to push me to love Him, He simply knows that only He can make me happy, He wanted to reach out because that would make me fulfilled. God was never selfish. It’s hard to accept these truths. Even while writing this, my mind tells me how self centered the previous sentences were. But that is how God loves, always toward to the object of His affection. I can’t understand.  He stays there, quiet and waiting, while I run away exposing myself to every sort of shame. Lately, God is speaking to my heart not in words I am so familiar of, but in His silence. It wakes my humanity from long slumber. I miss the Lord. I miss my God.

Been out for some time

For this month, life has been tough and rough. Now I am writing again to tell everyone that Jesus is alive. He has worked in ways very surprising.

Stormy marriage occupied and clouded my thoughts. I am being taught about forgiveness lately and it was the most difficult lecture I have heard so far. I mean I am not just hearing about it, I had to learn it through the bruises in my heart. God has made people's marriage really imperfect so we could only look up to Him and say,"Oh I almost forgot, this marriage isn't about us, but about You displaying Your love, Your mercy, Your grace". The moment you forgot about God (in all human relationships) is the moment you actually lose those people you thought you are related with.

There is no human relationship that will truly flourish without the Lord. Nothing. Love binds relationships, God is love, without God, you have nothing to do with each other. You'll just hurt yourselves till you bleed to death.

However, God is not the magic formula so we could get along with each other. God is not only The Source of love, but He is the reason why we love. By that I mean, we need to learn how to consciously love the other person simply because we love Who made that person.
Images from:
http://www.inmagine.com/tt093/tt3602704-photo
http://www.inmagine.com/culs095/culs095928-photo

Funny sistah

After I posted our photos when we were kids, I missed her terribly that I woke up one day and decided to see her at all cost. Our budget may not be enough that time for treating her in a good resto but we had a good time. My husband was so facinated by how we exchange stories of the past and the present. I don't know but whenever we reunite, sharing makes us feel at home in an instant. We don't even care how animated we look like. We freely show our emotions like nobody else is around.  

When the night was over, we were crying as we said our goodbyes. She reminded me, "Dati magkatabi lang tayo matulog no?" Tears started to roll down on my cheeks and they became unstoppable. We both live in the Metro but our distance is exaggerated by lack of chance to meet. I regret that we didn't really grew up together. I was so independent that I don't know if I have influenced my sister to any degree. Our irregular family set up has caused us to stand strong whether alone or not. There wasn't a choice. My heart's prayer is for her to settle down with somebody who God really wants for her. I pray that they would build a family that we never had. I bet God has also a gift for her, somebody whom God will use to let her feel how lovely girl she truly is.

For me, she's still the smartest kid I've ever played with.

Keep your hands off my food!

God tested my kindness. I was extremely hungry by the time I arrived work. I bought a slice of rice cake for my brunch. At the pantry, everybody was doing their personal stuff before the class, I sat on the corner. I took out my fork and said, “kain”. I know that you know this simply means, “I'm gonna have my meal now, excuse me.”

I am very sensitive when it comes to my utensils. My husband and I seldom eat on the same plate and he seldom takes whatever I am eating. I like the way he respects me. My officemates are not like my husband.

I asked one of them, “Gusto mo? May tinidor ka?” (Wanna try? Do you have fork?). Then she grabbed MY fork and tried once, then again, and again, and again. She even asked others to try. I went out of the room pretending that I don't mind. When I came back, one of them told me that she was sorry that MY fork fell on the floor.

I don't know but somehow I felt disrespected. Suddenly I remembered I had offended one of my officemates few months ago. She was having her lunch and I interrupted her. I said, “You told me before that you don't usually eat here at the pantry? But you're here.” I said it in a nice tone. It was actually my way of saying “hi”. But she exploded. She began to say a lot of words I wish to forget. Our 'used to be good' relationship was never the same again after that day. After some time, she confessed that she was just in a bad mood and my comment appeared to be a wrong timing. Lesson learned, never interrupt a person while he/she is eating because hunger drives everyone crazy, literally.

Anyway, getting back to my story, what was left for me was a small slice of my rice cake and my fork with strangers' saliva. Since it's already time to go to our respective stations, no one was left at the pantry. Alone, I said to my self, attitude check? - failed.