One of those crazy days

     And so it is Friday and it's the 13^th day of the first month of this year. Suddenly, I am inspired to write. I feel like suppressing these disturbing ideas (acting like raging hormones) that I can't keep inside this rather tiny skull.

       Identity crisis has its way of stopping my rhythm. I thought I have moved past this problematic adolescence stage. As I plan to write further, I paused and ask myself if I can really define what identity crisis is. Perhaps I am misusing the term. I am pertaining to the constant dilemma of thinking about self. There has always been a longing to look inward and investigate on this personality God gave me. I don't know how much of me was a result of my doing and how much of me is really God given.

     Months before December until the first week of this year, I was everywhere: from family reunions to friends' get together, and to parties that caused me tiring happiness.  Now that I finally got the chance to stop, I stumbled.  I am not actually walking straight on the exact path God wanted me to walk on but I stumbled while I was on the opposite side of the so called narrow road. Talk about double trouble.

     I was thinking whether it is better to run without a purpose or to just lie flat on the right ground but closer to the Lord. Would it be be more acceptable to stay "less" sinless in a place where God didn't call you to stay than struggling but moving closer to the Lord? Has sin really has the capacity to even push us towards the holiness of God? Isn't it sin that caused our separation to the Lord? Can sin really magnetize us to the  grace of the Lord?

    I failed to sustain the “good” performance I had the previous months. Just like any self professed Christian, guilt was only recognized after the act. Perhaps guilt had already been there before and during the temptation but the call for self gratification was way louder. I slept on the issue. I chose not to say sorry because I felt I wasn't really sorry to the Lord. I was telling myself that God would feel worse if I apologize for the thing that I so freely did a minute before.  I heard so many voices. I couldn't identify which one is mine, the Lord's or the enemy's. I knew what's gonna happen after every fall.  I will stay away from whatever is holy. I'll run away from God as I look at my nakedness. I'll run away as far as I could so I will live a life bearing the consequences of my sin but not being guilty about it, as if paying for it my way.

      It consumes me to stay in the presence of the Lord while bearing this guilt. It kills me. The fear of looking on my “disappointed” God makes me crazy.

      Then after sleeping, I rose up and shrugged it off. On my mind, the debate continued. Should I just live again as if nothing happened? Wouldn’t it be like fooling God?  Or should I repent my heart out, feeling sorry all day  for what happened? Would God forgive me faster when I will not let myself be affected of what happened? 

     "You know my heart today Lord. I hate myself for not hating too much what I did. Help me to be genuinely sorry to the point of deciding not to do it again. Help me hate evil the way You hate it. Pardon my case and (I know this would sound like using You but please) be my Savior one more time. I don't know how many times I will pray like this but today please cause me to hate hurting You. I know You died once and for all but let me hate sin this way. I think I have to endure seeing You put to cross again. Now as I write I start feeling bad. It's like you paid for my nonsense temporal happiness by your blood, your precious life. Who am I to do this to You, my Lord? I cannot undo Your wounds but the best form of gratitude may be not to live this life as if You did not die for me. Let me live my remaining days forever thankful for your death  by making the most of time to share in your suffering but not trying to outdo what You already did.